A past forgotten

I am not perfect. I have never and will never claim to be. I can be very annoying, sometimes lazy, sometimes not as thoughtful as I should be. I know that I will over analyze things at times and won't shut up about them. I know that I can be selfish. I am a flawed human being. I think about my shortcomings quite frequently. Not in a self destructive way, but in the hopes that I can better myself. And I do it to rid myself of my own internal obstacles so I can more easily follow the path that God wants me to be on. It's hard to hear the directions from God when my brain won't shut up. I have no misconception of being holier than thou, and I try to make no judgments of others choices (although I tend to fail at this more often than I would like to). I know that if I am following God's path I will not be led astray. (This is not meant to be preachy, only to explain what I believe.)
Having said all of that, I do believe that I at least try to do the right things. If someone close needs help, I like to think that I at least try to be there for them. There is nothing I have been more grateful for in my life than those I have been blessed to have close to me. Family, friends, co-workers, anyone who has touched my life. They have brought me up when I have been down, and have made me laugh when I want to cry.
This last year and a half, especially the last 3 months, have been about the hardest in my life. My body has beaten me down and is holding me back from many things. I can no longer do my job at work and have had to go on disability. I can't participate in activities. I can't be all I should be for my wife. And as hard as I try, and as much as I try to endure the pain, I can not be the father I want to be to my daughter. I have been brought down to being nothing but a burden to those around me. And as much as I hate that, there is nothing I can do about it. I am a prisoner in my own body with no answer yet as to why.
I have become angry, there is no doubt about that. I try very hard to focus as much as possible on the goods things about my life, and I assure you there are plenty. However, the anger is still in there and will, unfortunately, make itself present in usually the most non-beneficial way possible. I have tried over the past few years to control my reactions to things that upset me and work them out in a logical and useful way, having already experienced trying the explosive route and seeing that lead to nowhere. Recently, though, I have found I am losing control of my ability to not react with anger, as some of you are undoubtedly aware. What then happens is whatever it is that upset me is no longer the issue, and instead all attention is on my anger. Whether or not I was right to be angry is lost the moment my eyes see red and my mouth starts operating on its own.
Once I cut through the guilt and shame of my reactions, I have found a reaction from some people that I did not anticipate. My anger is being seen as further evidence that I am not a good person. My belief that I was in essence a good person was being argued against. Me being an inconsiderate person was, in some people's view, my M.O. Not only was I being an asshole now, I have always been an asshole.
Finding out somebody you don't like thinks you're an asshole is easy to get past. Finding out someone you hold close to your heart thinks you're an asshole is devastating. It's like waking up in a completely different world were nothing makes sense. And it is a very lonely feeling.
I do not know what has happened. Having your world cave in on you is very scary. It's hard to tell what's the right thing to do. Every choice seems as horrible as the next. You want to crawl into a hole, but even that would be as bad.
All I can hope for is for people to not only see who I am now, but who I have always been. Who I am now is made up of who I have been for the past 31+ years. If you have thought I have always been an asshole, then why have you been so close in my life? Were you secretly cursing me behind my back, or are you taking what you are seeing now and spreading it across my life? Have I always been so inconsiderate, so uncaring, so despicable? Have I really never been there for you, or helped when I could, or shown love to you?
There is nobody, absolutely nobody, who wants me to be back up to par and being my full self more than me. I know this has gone on seemingly forever, trust me, but I was once somebody not living in pain. I have tried as hard as I can, to the point of screaming pain, to continue be as close to that person I as I can be. I have tried to be a good person and keep doing the right thing to the best of my ability. But, unfortunately, my best is not enough for some. To those who believe this, and to those who say I have always been a bad person, I only ask this. Please look at my past, before any of this began, with unbiased eyes, and tell me who you see.